I didn't have to put down my cross to pick up my wand
I met God when I chose myself
My friend and I were having the talk. Spirituality vs religion. As we often do, we began to bridge the gaps and share the commonalities of the two experiences.
It ultimately leads to an AND rather than a VS. As I embark deeper on my spiritual journey, I’ve learned to reframe a lot of the religious shame and fear that I didn’t even know I carried.
I often refer to my friend’s perspective because she grew up in the church. She remembers and regurgitates the stories of the Bible regularly. She recollects the memories of her childhood in the church.
Church was more of a suggestion rather than a requirement in my house growing up. There were spurts when we would all go as a family for a few weeks at a time. I’ve served as an usher and sung in the choir a few times. As I got older, I went more, found my own church to attend and I even led multiple small groups (& no it wasn’t Bible study - personally think those are not interchangeable). More recently I haven’t been in attendance.
As we were talking and doing our thing about how deeply intertwined these two experiences are she said something that I had to write down, like an mhmmm moment. The sanctification is the remembrance. So, you know me, I said let me look up the actual definition of sanctification.
Sanctification:
the action of making or declaring something holy
the action or process of being freed from sin or purified
the action of causing something to be or seem morally right or acceptable
Often in spirituality and especially in ancestral traditions we speak of remembrance. I have held on to “remember yourself” as a return home, to a place of purity without judgement or limitation. In this remembrance I am seated in Divine truth of what it means to be whole and holy, connected to Source through a wisdom that can be traced back. Sankofa, meaning to retrieve in the Twi language of Ghana.
Go back and get it, they say.
My friend then said, “sanctification is a remembrance that we are holy.” There was nothing we had to be or do, we just are. It is in the DNA of our existence. The baptismal waters, a cleansing to remember just that.
And I know this could all sound like a stretch, but it feels like home to me. My ancestral traditions lie heavily in the church and while my journey is different, I deeply respect these traditions. I wouldn’t be here in this position that I am was it not for them grounding themselves in belief systems that kept them alive and gathering in community. I wouldn’t know how important community was to our survival had their ways not shown me. And I definitely wouldn’t be able to embrace my spirituality in a way that is authentic to me if it had not been for their willingness to hold the faith.
I was at the spiritual herbalism conference, virtually, this past weekend. There was a question about how do you deal with the fear of leaving the church or your religion?
My teacher, Karen Rose said something so profound to me that I guess is a common quote.
“Everywhere you go, there you are.”
It rung in my ears. There is no running away from yourself, from what is a part of you. They went on to talk about facing the fear. What is it that you fear? Do you fear rejection of God, or the judgement of other people was asked. I already knew my answer was both. I felt like if it were true what they say about God’s wrath then hell yes that is a fear I hold. Then the other part was absolutely I fear the judgement of others but more so the rejection.
I remember my journey with The Rose, the Divine Mother during my plant walk. I remember hearing one day while moving around the kitchen, there are no pits of hell that God wouldn’t save you from. Translated to - You will not be abandoned; God will never leave you.
It gave me the courage to move forward. Whatever room I was entering, I stood on the shoulders of giants with support of the highest form of love that existed. I quickly came to find that what existed in the pits of hell that I was terrified of were mirrors of myself, where I had been and who I had become as a result of my conditioning.
I made a choice on that journey about who I wanted to actually be. I wanted to be free, at home in my body, without fear of my ancestors, without fear of my history, without fear of my trajectory. I wanted to deeply know myself and that was what mattered.
Like a curious child, I started asking why to everything. Why do you believe that? Where did you learn that? How does it feel in your body? Is this a belief you’ve always held or one you’ve picked up. As I differentiated the two, I came to realize that I am a conglomerate of beliefs bread out of the history of my DNA and my spirit. And that became enough for me.
I believed Jesus brought me here as a teacher to meet myself, to meet my ancestors, to meet a way of life that resonated with my soul. I really do. And one of the things my teacher, Karen Rose, said at the conference still resonates with me.
“You can’t run from your history. It has to be integrated.”
It is not about erasing the past; it is more about embracing your authenticity with respect to the history.
After I completed my apprenticeship project in the Spring, I went on a walk outside. I experienced God in a way that I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to fully explain. It was a full body experience, an energy that came over me, suddenly. I can honestly say I had felt it once before one night while I was in bed but differently and since both of these events one other time. I don’t know what it was, an angel or an ancestor, but it was celestial. I felt light, joyful, and embraced. Deeply embraced. I was safe here. I felt that in my bones, and it slowly wrapped me in its grace.
Tears came over me and a sudden warmth. It felt like a nod from the heavens, a good for you finding your way or even a I got you and I always have. Keep going.
The deeper you go in, the closer you get to true essence of God. Pure love. Your heart opens and it brings you home. Working on your heart is your sanctification. It is your holy remembrance. Save yourself. Get to know the whispers of your heart & speak your truth.
So no, I’m not leaving the church per se. But I won’t reject my authentic spirituality. I am merging what my soul calls out for. I am not just one thing. I am many things. How can I hold space for the authenticity of others, if I can’t hold space for my own? By that, I must honor the shapeshifting power of God. God for me, cannot be contained nor will I spend my life trying to do so. And that is my freedom that I have embraced.
In all the doing and undoing it never occurred to me, what if God wanted you to be this way?
To quote another speaker from the conference who also quoted her teacher, “If you can’t see God in all, then you can’t see God at all.”
I exist in many worlds, made of clay and magic. *insert twinkling stars*
With humility, grace & directly from the heart,
