i write for attention

and other things too

I looked up the word attention and below I’ve listed my favorite definitions that fit my narrative.

Source: Webster of course - in the order of relevance

3b. sympathetic consideration of the needs and wants of others

1b. the act or state of applying the mind to something

While writing brings me freedom. Speaking gives me joy. I began making these YouTube videos pulling an oracle card and talking about herbal medicine. And I was surprised how excited I was to pull a card a day and share it with people, to dive into the medicine of the day. And I was even more surprised that people were watching.

But you know what is completely apparent to me now? I must be on camera. (At least for now.)

Photo by lucas Favre on Unsplash

I must be front and center even if I don’t think I deserve to be, know enough or should be. As much as I want to cringe at the idea of wanting to be the center of attention, I was born for it. And I am done running from that and sabotaging the joy in receptivity, in attention. I want to be thought of. I want my needs and wants to be considered. I want to be in focus. Get my good side though. The beauty is that I care about what I say when I speak and I mean what I say. The need for soul care is real. I remember one of the things my teacher left me with is the notion that “people listen when you speak,” and in so many words I need to say what I mean and mean what I say. There is medicine in your words, but you cannot avoid being seen.

I think about the little Marasia who was comfortable on the sideline, never shining, just be-ing. She didn’t believe the spotlight was reserved for her but when she was in it, it was seamless. I’ve always done well in presentations and interviews. I was born to speak.

Now my mama got me right this week when she said, “I could tell everything I needed to know about y’all by how y’all played sports.” Y’all as in me and my older sisters. So of course I was like, what did you know about me? Let’s see. Now I can’t quote the whole conversation but for me it was something along the lines of not realizing how good I was. With everything, it’s like I settled for good when I was a star (star being my words, not hers LOL the drama). She said, “how do you tell someone who is already good that they could be great without making them feel like they aren’t good enough. Now that’s a real statement. You show up as good when naturally you are great. Let’s unpack that….

I laughed and said chileee we could have skipped so much of this healing journey if you would have told me that before. She said, “I may have said it before, but you are hearing it with a different ear now.”

So, for those who are still like wait, I’m lost. Let me reflect a bit. I have this thing I’ve been learning about myself where I place too much emphasis on how others see me rather than how I see myself. How will I be recieved in this space? Which part of me is okay here? How do I not be too much? They don’t see it in me so why should I? Now one would think that means I don’t value myself and at times I’m sure that’s true. The real real is that I’ve always been underestimated. But when I tell y’all I have always felt that I was great, anything else I began to believe was a projection of what my environment said about me. I would never find love because all the guys liked girls who didn’t look like me building on that narrative “let me do it my damn self.” I wasn’t good enough at basketball because I spent a season riding the bench, though I had played most of the time all the years before. I wasn’t as smart as I thought I was because the year I graduated high school they got rid of the top 10% and started doing the top 5%. That shit still grinds my gears lol. But I wanted to be recognized! And here I was again, un-fucking seen.

So, boundaries within my belief systems were not so great. People really did penetrate my way of thinking over and over again. Even now, as I fully immerse myself in the lifestyle of this whimsical soul I’ve always secretly or hesitantly been, I still wonder, what will people think of this version of me? But when I tell you it feels so good to my spirit and so natural, it’s hard to believe I even care.

But sometimes I do question am I on the wrong path, opening doors I can’t close, especially if someone comes around with a different opinion. It’s like it triggers that little girl’s belief that all of the things I have believed about myself must not have been true. But something in me just knew, like girl you were meant to shine. It could be the words of the women in the families “I love that which is me.” I think that’s how I kept going with just an ounce of confidence. And for the last few years I have been fighting this urge to be seen more and restore that confidence my soul embodies. To be fully witnessed in all of my glory because what will that say about me, what will people think if I actually WANT to be seen as I am? I WANT attention for all the times I had been denied it and add tax because I’m worth it. I’m not content hiding in the corner anymore. I want to experience the fullness of myself, not just what others are capable of perceiving. Of course, I learned along the way that there are so many capable people that can witness you as you truly are. But as long as I lead with what others are capable of seeing, I’LL never see my full shiny greatness and people with the capacity will never be able to witness it.

I remember a reading I received maybe 4 years ago, and I had a spirit visitor show up in the reading. My reader lady of course asked me was it okay for her to channel this energy. I said sure why not even though I was scared shittless. LOL. But she described the woman, and of course she seemed very familiar (I eventually asked my mom and guessed who it could have been). But my reader lady went on to say yea she’s saying, “that baby don’t know how much she shine - that baby don’t know how much she shine.” She said, “she just keeps repeating that.” She described her as a beautiful young black woman with jewelry and was very well kept. I remember that was the first time I learned when people who have passed come to visit, they get to choose what age they are seen as.

I listened to a podcast interview that I was a part of recently and I was so intrigued listening to myself. Now in general the conversation was amazing! I have always found certain people that I enjoy listening to. But I took a step outside of myself to witness myself, and I was in awe of this girl turned woman and the journey she had been on. You can check it out here. But all I can say is if you have not taken the chance to see yourself fully in an authentic space, now is the time. There is a version of you that can’t wait to be in alignment with YOU. The real YOU.

“If all you see is what you can see, then you will never see all there is to see.” I remember one of my favorite pastors saying that regarding faith. But I’m applying it here in people’s perception of what I have to offer. If they can’t see beyond the most basic things, they will never fully witness me and that is a disservice to their soul not mine.

Because baby I be shinin or whateva *inserts twinkle twinkle star*. This season of life is for being seen, witnessed, heard, and I’ve learned to be okay with that.

Oh, and here is the link to my new YouTube series Consider your Soul.

My question for you as we really begin to consider our soul, what would you say if you knew you couldn’t be judged for it? What is really on your mind?

& HAPPY NEW MOON IN SAG - let freedom ring!

with LOVE,

The medicine of the day is to Remember Yourself.